To: Brad blackstone
From: Edmund Ng
Date: 11 September 2016
Subject: Brief introduction of myself
Dear Brad,
I would like to take this opportunity to introduce about
myself. My name is Edmund Ng, I graduated from Singapore polytechnic in 2014
with a diploma in Civil engineering with business.
I choose this course because since young I have always
wondered what is happening inside the construction site and how is it possible
to build a building from scratch. A few modules that help me to understand more
about civil engineering were Structural Analysis, Civil Engineering Technology
and Auto CAD.
It was an amazing intern experience in Land Transport
Authority. I had learnt many new things that were not taught in the books. Being
able to work on site with the engineers is the highlight of the whole
internship.
During my free time, I love to play soccer, snooker and
darts. It helps to keep me focus and relax at the same time.
My goals in SIT are to be able to learn new things, score
well in exam and to improve on my communication skills. I believe that being
able to communicate well is the key to success in everything we do.
Lastly, I look forward to improve and learn new
communication skills in your lesson every week.
Sincerely,
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Edmund,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing such a well presented, clear and concise introductory letter. I am happy to hear that you had gained valuable experience from your internship program. I am also agreeable to you that through an internship, students will learn many things that are not taught in the book.
In my humble opinion, i would like to point out some improvements for your introductory letter writing.
1. "I would like to take this opportunity to introduce about myself" >>> (It appears that the preposition about is unnecessary) introduce myself...
2. "I choose this course because since young" >>> (It appears that since young is a misplaced modifier) I choose this course because when i was young.
3. "what is happening inside the construction site" >>> (It appears that inside may not be the best preposition to use in this context) what is happening at the construction site.
4. "I look forward to improve" >>> (The verb improve should be improving when following the word look forward to) I look forward to improving.
Despite the minor problems, this is a thoroughly enjoyable intro. Let's work hard and improve our English together!
Warmest Regards,
clf
Thank you for the comments.
DeleteWould look into the improvement that you have suggested!
Thank you, Edmund, of this brief but quite informative introduction. From the details you provide we can sense your enthusiasm for your chosen field of study.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to that, I get a clear sense of some of your language issues. Lin Feng has addressed a few of these. Please allow me to note several others:
1) My name is Edmund Ng, I graduated from Singapore polytechnic in 2014 with a diploma in Civil engineering with business. >>> problem in sentence structure (run on) and in inconsistent capitalization
2) verb tense issues:
--- I choose this course.... >>> ?
--- I have always wondered what is happening.... >>> ?
--- A few modules that help me.... >>> ?
--- Being able to work on site with the engineers is the highlight ... >>> ?
3) You also present a sentence that seems out of context:
It was an amazing intern experience in Land Transport Authority.
Despite these problems, this letter paints a decent initial portrait of who you are. Thanks foe the hard work!
Hi Edmund,
ReplyDeleteIt was nice reading your email and I can say I know a little bit more about you now. And i agree with your statement of working with engineers is the highlight of the whole internship because I gained a lot of experience from my internship too.
There are some sentences which I felt that could be written in a better way hence I have listed them down below. Do have a look.
1)to introduce about myself => to introduce myself
2)My name is Edmund Ng, I graduated => My name is Edmund Ng and I graduated
3)I have always wondered => I always wonder
4)I had learnt many new things => I have learnt many new things